He's Not You

For that someone you can't have but still keep longing for.

***

He's not like you.

You wouldn't turn at the sound of my voice

Nor be at full attention to the treble of my laughter

You wouldn't single me out in a crowd

More so look for me in a room full of people

He's not like you.

He would gently wrap his hands on mine

Like it was my heart he was holding

He would never ignore the faint glint in my eyes

That subtly confirm my feelings

No.

He's nothing like you.

But he's not you.

He holds onto me tightly

But my mind keeps wandering off 

Towards your direction

Because even with this distance

I still don't want to lose sight of you

He steps in for your shortcomings

And for a moment, I've thought of walking towards him, too

But it scares me to take a closer look

And see that he's everything I need, but he's not you.

***

Photo by it's me neosiam from Pexels

read more "He's Not You"

Saved

Hi. My gosh, how long has it been since I last wrote something? I practically had to clear some cobwebs after opening this blog. Anyway I finally got the chance to listen to some music and lyrics today and I figured I needed to flex my writing muscles if I want to stay functional. Besides, I wouldn't want to give my rival, Lang Leav any advantage, would I? Lels. 

Plus, John Mayer also still tries to release new material every now and then, his most recent being New Light...WHICH I LOVE (but then again, when did I ever hate a John Mayer song?). Never mind the music video which I suspect is a product of stress and marijuana, but do check it out if you want your life to get better: John Mayer - New Light

That said, the following poem is made out of obligation to my self. I had to write this. Not just to improve my composition, but also for some kind of consolation. This poem celebrates the idea of waiting; that in the end, you'll realize that everything that happened led you to where you should be...with the person you should be with. #yown!

***

You couldn't have come at a more perfect timing

You're the end of a storm,

you're my silver lining

Just before I could turn the wrong corner

You walked in to call this chaos to order

I was blinded; you were right there

Waiting for my eyes to open

Knew exactly what I needed

The moment I let you inside

It all makes sense now

The chains on my feet were so I wouldn't fly

Because why should I

When an angel clipped his wings to be by my side

***

read more "Saved"

Push And Pull feat. Artwork by Ellie (a re-post)

Sometimes, you don't really need to put your works of art out into the world. All you need is to connect with the right people who share the same passion for creativity and artistic expression--be it through poetry, music, or visual arts. And yes, I just proclaimed myself a member of the artistic crowd. Lels. 

BUT let's talk about the real artist here. The drawing above is a work by no less than Ms. Ellie Bañez, my very talented former officemate, whom you probably remember from the artwork for The Admission. I cannot thank Ellie enough for offering to collaborate with me (collaborate daw oh!) and for using my poems as inspiration for her drawings. This is exactly the kind of exchange that feeds your creative soul. Ganito kaming mga artists mag-brainstorm. CHAR. 😂 Thanks again, Ellie! Looking forward to more of your drawings!

The above artwork is Ellie's visual interpretation of the poem "Push and Pull."

***

PUSH AND PULL

I'll take whispers

If that's the only way you can tell me

We're too close for comfort

We're too far to hear each other's hearts

I will, if you will

Say it and I'll echo your words

The same thoughts are running

Why can't we face what's obvious here?

This space in between

That only courage can cut through

Tell me what you're thinking

I'll confirm what's on your mind

I will, if you will

Our someday is now

Let's say the words we need to hear

Get our doubts out of the way

I won't move if you step closer

I've waited too long to back out

Come to me without reluctance

This push and pull ends now

***

read more "Push And Pull feat. Artwork by Ellie (a re-post)"

The Admission feat. Artwork by Ellie (a re-post)

I have always wanted to incorporate visual interpretations of my writings just to give Lang Leav a fair fight (lol), but I really can't draw to save my life. Luckily Ellie, my talented and artistic former officemate at Starcom, offered to illustrate one of my poems while she continues to practice and enhance her drawing skills . Thus, the image above! Doesn't it remind you of Van Gogh's works? I can't be more grateful! Thank you, Ellie!

(click the title below to be redirected  to the original post of "The Admission")

***

THE ADMISSION

I'm finding myself below

and I can see the light above

From a small opening

Twenty feet above me

I can scratch and claw

To try and reach liberty

But the walls are too slippery

And honestly,

The light has lost appeal to me

Would you believe

I've been here for years

And I've had hands try to pull me 

up from the floor

For a moment I'd believe

That they could help me stand

But a cripple can walk farther

than the weak-willed, abled man

I'd cry for help in darkness

where I know no one could hear

In case somebody does come

I would run away in fear

I pretend to be a lion

When inside I'm a helpless prey

Haunted by the absence

of something to chase

Sympathy repels me

Yet, it's what I need

Before someone sees my frailties

I would cut the strings

I'll entrance you with music

Wear pride as a disguise

A smokescreen of lies

Hide this fraud from your eyes

***

read more "The Admission feat. Artwork by Ellie (a re-post)"

Push And Pull

I swear, I'm kinda "SHOOKT" these past few days. I can't get something out of my head. It's like that line from Ellie Goulding's song: "My heart don't understand why I got you on my mind." CHARET! Ang arte ko, bakit ba ako ganito? Hahaha! Eww, sumi-sixteen years old. Magtigil.

Anyway, of course I took it out to Spotify last night and like any other muni-muni segments of my life that's supported by background music, my new playlist brought new phrases into my head and compelled me to write something--anything that provides an outlet for feels. This is one of the reasons why I hate leaving Twitter. I'm usually able to satisfy my feels just by posting lines that I like from the songs I love. But since I can't do that anymore, I needed another venue to channel my emotions. Lels. Therefore, this. I'm not sure why I came up with this push and pull theme. Maybe because my previous entries were about avoiding feelings and being scared of making a move that my mind has had enough and chose to end the endless guessing game now. Lol. 

***

I'll take whispers

If that's the only way you can tell me

We're too close for comfort

We're too far to hear each other's hearts

I will, if you will

Say it and I'll echo your words

The same thoughts are running

Why can't we face what's obvious here

This space in between

That only courage can cut through

Tell me what you're thinking

I'll confirm what's on your mind

I will, if you will

Our someday is now

Let's say the words we need to hear

Get our doubts out of the way

I won't move if you step closer

I've waited too long to back out

Come to me without reluctance

This push and pull ends now

***

P.S. I'm also including links to the songs I've been listening to lately para damay-damay na. At siyempre naisama si kumareng Selena Gomez. ;) 

PLAYLIST

read more "Push And Pull"

Strangers

When you regret your decision but you're no longer qualified for a second chance.... 

***

I was minding my stride 

when the wind made me turn, 

and I saw you there, 

looking just as perfect as you had 

when I was the one holding your hand.

A smile slowly tugged on my lips, 

and for a second I was willing

to mend the string I've cut heartlessly. 

For a moment, I wanted to rely on a maybe. 

Maybe...you still wanted me?

But my hopes quickly ran empty

as your gaze went right through me. 

Colorless and without emotion, 

as if I was just part of the crowd; 

as if I was less than a "used to be"; 

as if I was someone who never was anyone to you.

I felt a smile slowly tug on my lips. 

For a second I was trying 

to ignore the sting on my chest. 

Because I had no right to fall apart 

when I chose to run

from the only thing that held me together.

Your inattention made it easy 

to walk past you without a greeting. 

Minding my stride 

while you disappear at the corner, 

like the strangers that we are.

***

read more "Strangers"

This Is Your Poem

Aaand I made another one. Yes, it's true. I'm so talented that I wrote two poems on the same day, one immediately after the other. My gosh, the world is so lucky to have me. LOL.

Ego aside, I'm just so in the mood to write right now. Blame it on Lang Leav...and korean drama. LOL! Anyway, this one has the usual theme. About new but unwanted feelings and the effort to contain it, but the walls are weak and begin to crumble down...so she expresses through writing. ;)

P.S. The title is a tweaked version of the line from Elton John's "Your Song."

***

I didn't expect you.

I didn't expect my reaction to your presence.

Just standing there,

Etching your name on my skin with every stare.

I didn't want you.

Not even when you opened your heart.

Not until you stood in my way,

revealing your thoughts with your eyes.

I regret looking through you.

I regret seeing the uncertainty, the plea.

Your eyes begged for mine to give you answers;

and I felt compelled to respond.

You've entrapped me and you don't even know.

Or are you feigning ignorance?

I've wandered too far into your territory;

and I find myself in a labyrinth of truths and denials.

I want to escape from you,

yet I'm the one embracing you.

I'm enchanted by your subtlety;

how you speak loudly in your silence.

I sense I'll keep writing about you,

in place of words I will not let you hear,

in place of smiles I will not let you see.

Let my pen walk you through the answers you seek from me.

***

GIF from https://www.tumblr.com/search/i%20like%20you%20gifs

read more "This Is Your Poem"

Homesick

I've been reading some Lang Leav again and voila. For you. Wait for me. :)

***

There's always a reason,

as I've finally learned.

I've always questioned why

until you.

All you needed to do

was walk into the room

and suddenly I had the answers.

Although you also brought new questions.

Ah, who knew?

I was a nomad all this time.

I slept on my own bed,

within the walls of my own house.

But never, never had I felt so at home

than when I stood beside you.

Home is where you are.

Home is where you will be.

So wait for me. 

Like every person who's built her first house

I need to deserve you.

I need to justify the tenderness in your eyes 

when you steal brief glances.

Or the sincerity in your smile

when I catch you and our glances linger.

I'll be coming home,

so don't forget me.

Even though I seem to take some time.

Even though it seems I'm wandering off.

Hold onto me.

I'll leave you little reminders,

Like white pebble stones to guide me home.

Or you can come to me

I'll carve markings on the trees.

Anything to make it known to you...

Anything to make it known to me...

That although we're walking on different streets,

You will always, always be home to me.

***

Christiana Rivers

read more "Homesick"

Both Hands

Wala lang. :) I figured I've been writing too many poems about heartaches and unrequited feelings, blah, blah. So I went for something more...reciprocated(?) today. I'm kind of singing this in my head while writing it, but I'll probably just leave it like this. I'm so lazy to pick up my guitar these days. Though it's not as if anything amazing will come out if I did. LOL.

***

The sand in the hourglass

is almost run out

and that's when you came to flip it

I laughed at the circumstance

who would have guessed

Love would come at the last minute

And I have never been

on this side before

I have never known

that stars could brighten some more

Now that I've seen it

I think I'll keep it

With both hands

as if it was water

Both hands 

as if it were sand

Both hands on your face

as if you were made out of glass

I've never held onto something

But this time I will with both hands

One foot out the door

In case of a heartbreak

I stand near the fire escape

At arm's length away

One hand enlaced with his

The other ready to run away

'Cause I've never been

a good enough reason

All that I've known

is that nobody's asked me to stay

But you came 

and held me

With both hands

as if I was water

Both hands 

as if I were sand

Both hands on my face

as if I was made out of glass

I've never held anyone's heart

But this time I will with both hands

***

PHOTO Credit: Background image created by Freepik

read more "Both Hands"

The Admission

Just letting off some steam. When you're too much of a disappointment to yourself. 

***

I'm finding myself below

and I can see the light above

From a small opening

Twenty feet above me

I can scratch and claw

To try and reach liberty

But the walls are too slippery

And honestly,

The light has lost appeal to me

Would you believe

I've been here for years

And I've had hands try to pull me 

up from the floor

For a moment I'd believe

That they could help me stand

But a cripple can walk farther

than the weak-willed, abled man

I'd cry for help in darkness

where I know no one could hear

In case somebody does come

I would run away in fear

I pretend to be a lion

When inside I'm a helpless prey

Haunted by the absence

of something to chase

Sympathy repels me

Yet, it's what I need

Before someone sees my frailties

I would cut the strings

I'll entrance you with music

Wear pride as a disguise

A smokescreen of lies

Hide this fraud from your eyes

***

P.S. I'm okay. LOL. People should know my writings are blown-up, exaggerated versions of my actual feelings. So yeah, I'm good. I'll be grateful if I can wake up tomorrow to start again. ;)

GIF credit: https://www.tumblr.com/search/vintage%20love%20gif

read more "The Admission"

What I Don't Say

I was just lazing around in my bed yesterday afternoon when the rhyming bug bit me (lol) so I typed this on my phone's notepad within 15 minutes or so. I'm sure everyone's familiar with how frustrating it is not to be able to say what you feel. It's like your hands are tied and you're just squirming to free yourself. But then again, if you do decide to express your thoughts, there's also the fear of being rejected and misunderstood. So you're stuck. And until you're brave enough, you'll be in same place, feeling the same feeling of frustration. HOW SAD.

P.S. By the way, I've revived my other Instagram account that's dedicated for my writings. I realized I should bring a little competition to Lang  Leav and R.M.Drake. LOL! Please follow @TheTalkingPen and be my 6th follower. 😂💦

***

I miss you but can't say

Every sun and every rain

Until it comes another day

It doesn't change

It's still the same

I long to see your face

For a second if I may

But 'til you hear what I don't say

It won't change

It's still the same

If thunder comes with heartbreaks

You'll know how much it aches

But love's quiet as calm lakes

So I'll just wait

For what won't change

***

read more "What I Don't Say"

There's Comfort in Distance

Closing something right after it's opened...or something like that. ;)

***

There's comfort in distance --

a mutual resistance 

to something too strong, 

it could overwhelm us.

A thin curtain cover --

anything will do --

to shield us from feeling

what we already do.

My head's turned the wrong way

all of this time.

You've been looking my way

all of the while.

I could've turned around,

You could have called my name;

but neither did,

'cause neither could 

be ever so brave.

There's relief in these walls

that divide our space.

I can think of you freely

without having to face

any kind of confrontation --

a confirmation or rejection.

In here, I can be uncertain

and you won't be obliged to wait.

There's contentment in idleness --

an illusion of safety.

I would prefer this silence 

than to wake the fear inside me.

Even a glance could be binding,

dare we step beyond our boundaries...

There is comfort in distance

in a room of uncertainty.

There's serenity in estrangement;

we'll find it eventually.

***

read more "There's Comfort in Distance"

Today, I Thought Of You

***

Today I thought of you.

Just like that, without warning.

I never meant to.

Even I was surprised how easily you broke into my mind.

I was at peace with where we are now.

Or what we are now.

Or where I am now and 

not knowing what's going on with you lately.

But I thought of you.

Crossing my mind like it's the most natural thing.

I thought about the questions I still had.

How they will never be answered.

And why I never asked them.

Or if I should have asked them.

I was reading about fate.

Or was it about destiny?

Of sparks.

Of connections.

Of two people bound to be together.

I wonder if our story has an epilogue.

The part where it says,

"Oh, and these two met again to talk about what happened."
It's not even that we'd fall in love.
Just that we'd acknowledge the feeling.

My thoughts led me to a made-up moment.

A slice of time that we can forget.

We'd be sitting face-to-face.

I'd ask you just one question:

"Did you feel it?"

You'd say yes.

I'd continue with, "What was that?"

You'd shrug your shoulders.

The end.

I honestly would have been satisfied with just that.

There were so many chances to bring it up.

Like when you bought me that gift that you said reminded you of me.

Or when you gave me that jacket because I said I liked it.

Or when you said it wasn't the same without me.

Or when you said you'll miss me.

All those times I could have asked why.

All those chances I could have seen you reply with a shrug.

***

read more "Today, I Thought Of You"

Overlooked

I'm doing my usual song hunting on Youtube and as always, the mood veers towards the melancholic, you-never-looked-at-me kind of feel. And it's only 10AM on a Saturday. So here. I don't like how this turned out but I'm posting it anyway. Sayang eh. LOL.

***

High nose

A view of the world

with your eyes closed

Could there be something you've missed

When all you could see are the distant things

Echo

Silence responds 

in the same tone

You only hear what you say

The whistle of wind is a noise too vague

Look down 

Below the hand that holds your chin

Listen carefully

there's a call within the waves

Feel your hand

And notice the warmth from my own

Wrapped around yours for the longest time

***

read more "Overlooked"

Stuck In A Free Fall

Got a rock song in my head for this.

***

I need a good shake

Somebody wake me

Somewhere in the middle

I've lost gravity

Cannot move at all

I'm stuck in a free fall

Left foot, right foot

Counting the steps

Looking down on my feet

Won't somebody lift me?

This way or that way

Where do I go?

Each road ends in a fork

And I can't see

If I'm coming or leaving home

'Cause you turn life around

Or you'll run in circles

Push your limits

Or they will pull you down

It's just one of these things:

You have all or got none

But either way

One will lead to the other one

When you got nothing

You can get anything

When you've got everything

Then what else is there to long for?

Build me parallel walls

To give some direction

'Cause right now this meadow

Is too vast to run around on

Maybe I got tired of resisting

Maybe I've tried everything

Wasn't long before I found myself

Floating aimlessly mid-air

I need a good shake

somebody wake me

somewhere in the middle

I've lost gravity

Cannot move at all

I'm stuck in a free fall

read more "Stuck In A Free Fall"

The Lonely Flower

I finished watching this Korean drama, The Heirs (hello, Lee Min Ho, my love), and every time Choi Young Do (Kim Woo Bin) comes out in a scene, this song with an electric guitar solo intro plays and it was stuck in my head. And then yesterday I took a picture of a flower (above) which somehow had a sad feel to it. So when I uploaded it this morning, the sad mood and the song prompted me to write this.... I'm not even sure what this is.

This could be about The Heirs, where Cha Eun Sang (Park Shin Hye) suddenly found herself in a world so different from her own.

...Or it could be someone else's story. :)

***

Have you ever seen a flower grow

So far beyond the meadow?

Did you wonder what had led it astray

Or if it chose to be lonesome?

I know a girl who's just the same

Awed by the world around her

She let her dreams take her away

Until nothing was familiar

Only when the rain soaked her feet

Did she turn around to say,

"Hold on, hold on,

this wasn't how I pictured this to be."

But she's gone too far for anyone

To wake her from her sleep 

Ah, look at the sun

It's mocking you

The culprit that seduced her with brightness

But when it leaves for the night,

Or when a cloud blocks its light

Then what is she to do?

Is a choice really a choice

When it's between staying and going?

When you can't see the beginning nor the end

Will you have courage to keep walking?

But despite it all the flower still blooms

Steal attention away from the sun

Hoping someone finally sees her 

And lead her back home

read more "The Lonely Flower"

The Second Chance

Why, hello! It's been a while. Not much happened, obviously, so I was merely uninspired. BUT I've just come back from a 2-week road trip with the family and somewhere in the midst of everything I missed writing. After a few days of hibernating I've come up with this piece. I don't know if it qualifies as a prose or if I would later make a song out of it (because I'm talented like that), but I'll leave it like this for now.

It's about meeting someone again from the past, and having the chance to say what you haven't said before...but thinking against it once again. Sometimes, you will have to waste opportunities to give way for the happiness of other people. Cliche as it may sound, but some things really are better left unsaid. BOOM! #whogoat! I have a tone in my head that sounds like a musical... I think I'm a little bit influenced by Anna Kendrick, since I just saw The Last Five Years. So yeah, I'll figure it out in a few days.

***

And I know it's a little desperate now

To come to you like this

But weren't we once licensed to

Just speak our minds like this

It's been a while since the last time

And I've been everywhere since

Pretended to be searching 

When I know I have found it

It's crazy how the world goes 'round

Without even knowing

That as it turns, it adds more time

To pile on a past underneath it

At least once, I've thought to dig it up

So it's never forgotten

But everytime I do, I'm reminded that

It wouldn't make a difference

At least, not to you...

Would it?

So anyway, here we are

You're once again beside me

With a smirk that scolds the fate that brought

Us right up to this moment

In fate's defense, it was I who asked

And this was but a favor

I know I've said goodbye before

With the promise to walk farther

But I know it's a little too late now

To come to you like this

I can see her coming nearer,

Just steps from where we're standing

So before she recognizes me

I'll say what I've been meaning...

Are you happy?

That's good to hear.

I just came to say I remember my promise,

So go...don't keep her waiting

And I'll walk the other way....

read more "The Second Chance"

All I Ever

Another one of those random thoughts I have when I read sad love stories. That regretful feeling of hurting the one you care for the most. You know you love him, but you don't know how to...and you wish you had just stayed away and spared him the heartbreak.

***

We shouldn't have met

I wouldn't have hurt you

Then all this pain that challenges my sanity would not have come

I shouldn't have said

That I could love you

Then all this regret for bending promises wouldn't consume me

I do care,

And I did try as much as I can

But my heart was a glove

That wouldn't fit your hand

While you gave a happiness I never knew,

All I ever did was unknowingly wound you

read more "All I Ever"

Before

Just something that came to me last night when I was about to sleep. It's kind of a wishful thinking, I guess, that someone can actually make you believe. That someone could make you turn away from your fears and not look back. :)

***

Before,

I was used to saying it all boils down to myself;

Just me, and no one else.

I had believed we all just looked after ourselves;

Every man for himself.

I was an island, and I was fine with that.

But had I known about you,

I would have changed my point of view.

Something about your eyes that assure.

You say my place is secure...

That my heart wouldn't know pain.

Even though I still doubt your sincerity, 

Everytime the fear inside me resurfaces,

You only need to hold my hand,

And I feel at ease again.

Please never change.

Please keep me.

Keep needing me,

Keep wanting me.

Please keep returning my embraces with a tighter hug.

Please keep looking at me in daze and puzzlement,

Like when you said you no longer understood why,

You just knew I've taken a part of your life -- if not all of it.

Please. Just, please.

Because I'm not as strong as I was before.

I have become vulnerable.

I have shed off my armor and bared my life,

All for your taking.

I was an island, 

But the sea brought you to me.

My willful castaway.

I may remain hesitant,

But no longer lonely.

No longer alone.

Not like before.

Not anymore.

read more "Before"

La Douleur Exquise

La Douleur Exquise - (n.) the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

WARNING: This post is very long, and maybe unrelatable or corny or both. Read at your own risk.

P.S. Jump to the end to see an awesome quote by Joey Comeau about unrequited love and moving the eff on.

read more "La Douleur Exquise"